If your like me, you’ve dated all sorts of women and learn a great deal from each one of them. And if you’ve played fantasy football, you’ve had all sorts of players and learned from each one of them as well. I’ve seen them all, crazy, spoiled, bossy, aggressive, insecure, drama queens….. you name it and I’ve dated them and drafted them. Through these experiences I have learned which ones work and ones to stay the hell away from. My dating life has taught me many basic lessons that I’ve applied to my fantasy football life.
Let’s start at one of my early mistakes, her name was Cindy, the biggest drama queen I ever met. Like every relationship she seemed easy going at first, but I found out quick that drama was just around the corner. She was always in some sort of drama with her friends, family, and work. So I was always waiting around to see what kind of shit she would be in and how I would have to listen to it for hours. After hearing Cindy’s 500th story of how she stole all the office rubber bands, I let her loose. This brings me to Josh Gordon, who in 2013 went for 1600 yds and 9 TDs. Life was good and fantasy football was easy, and then the drama started. In 2014, he was suspended because he was arrested for driving impaired. In 2015, a year long suspension for a failed drug test. The drama continued in 2016 when he failed another drug test and suspended for 4 games. Cindy taught me that some people are just drama queens and it didn’t take me long to figure out that I should just stay away from Josh.
After dating a string of crazies like Cindy, I decided to find myself a nice girl. In came Kelly, the safe, sweet and predictable girl next door. She wasn’t the most fun, but we always found something satisfying to do together, like catch movie, play a board game or read books under the sun. It got boring really quick and if I stuck around, I knew I would just be settling. Because of Kelly, I stay away from Alex Smith, the boy next door. Smith is the best game manager and is the king of putting up mediocre stats. He will never win you a week, but he won’t lose you one either. Having “the nice guy” Alex Smith on your team means you’re settling for 4th place in your fantasy football league and I’m not satisfied with that.
I’m attracted to the hot and dangerous girls, which is why I started seeing Adriana. She had the smokin’ body, the aggressive personality and adventurous soul. We dated for a while and it was the happiest times of my life, but boy did she break my heart. Just when I thought we were a match made in heaven she ended it just like that. I was devastated and was only left wondering “why?” A couple months later, we got back together and I felt that high again. Right when I thought we were better that ever, she hits me with the “we need to talk” and rips my heart out again. This is almost my exact relationship with Arian Foster. In 2012, he led me to the promiseland getting 1400 yards and 17 TDs. Then it all went crashing down in 2013 when he got injured and only managed 2 TDs for the season. Foster and I gave it another shot in 2014 and he rewarded me again with 1200 yards and 13 TDs, we were back in business. 2015 season came and so did another injury, back to 4 games and 3 TDs. Arian Foster is that ex girlfriend you NEVER get over, Adriana, hot as hell but comes with a ton of baggage. And at the end, she always finds a way to fuck you over. But IF I have a chance to draft Arian again… you better believe he will be on my roster.
(Allen Eyestone / The Palm Beach Post)
After the Adriana roller coaster, I needed to have a plan, a back up plan and her name was Sara. She was the one I would call when I was lonely and couldn’t find a date for Friday night. I knew she would always be there at the end of the night when I would strike out at the bars. This is how I treated Frank Gore, my fantasy football back up plan. I would go flirt and strike out with players like Melvin Gordon, Trent Richardson or even Eddie Lacy (2015), and when things did work out, there was Frank Gore, off my bench to save my ass again. Sara would eventually find someone who treated her better, but she taught me to always have a back up plan, always draft Frank Gore.
I will never forget Lily, the big tease. She would flirt with me all the time and tell me how we should hang out after work. I asked her out right away because we clicked so well and she reminded me a little bit of Adriana. I was ready and excited, had this big date planned, but she stood me up. She apologized to me and gave me this lame excuse, so we decided to plan another date. Guess what….. stood up again. The next day she called me and gave me another stupid story. In my head I was thinking “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me.” So I decided that Lily was done and the tired excuses weren’t cutting it. The hype surrounding Christine Michael has been around since the 2013 preseason when he put up over 200 yards on 40 carries. In 2014 he was grooming to take over for Beastmode only to be suddenly released and picked up by the Cowboys. As a Cowboy, there was still a lot of hype of him taking over behind that dominant offensive line. Here we are 2016 and nothing has changed, he’s back with the Seahawks and has had this big “awakening.” To this I say “Fool me once……”
If dating all these women has helped me in my fantasy football quest for a championship, it’s been well worth it. In order to be a fantasy champion, you need these real life experiences to help you make better fantasy decisions.
The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will. – Vince Lombardi
The difference between a successful fantasy football owner and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of dating experience. – fantasyreaList
I’d like to thank all the women I’ve dated for giving me a chance to learn in the dating world, but most of all, for shaping my fantasy football decisions.
fantasyreaList Writer: Eli Duran